The 1 million dollar question

A few days ago CJ and I were off to another doctor's appointment, while walking to the car he noticed the Autism Awareness sticker.
"Mommy, what's that for?"
Nonchalantly I replied, "Oh, that helps people become more aware of autism."
"Mommy, what's autism?
Just like that, the question I thought I had a couple more years to answer presented itself.  Should I regurgitate everything I've read in books?  Should I walk slowly to the drivers side, hoping he forgets?  Should I offer to buy him ANY toy in Toys R' Us in exchange for him never asking me that question again?  Damn it!!  Why didn't he ask me where babies come from, I'm pretty sure I could answer that question easier then this one.  After a brief, kid sized explanation he says "Why does that happen to some brains Mommy?" 
"I wish I knew baby; I wish I knew." 

So here I am, sitting in the doctor's office watching an EEG technician attach wires to CJ's head hoping somewhere on the screen of squiggly lines produced by my son's brain waves I will finally be able to answer the question... why.  You know, 4 years ago I wanted to know why for my own selfish reasons.  Why him?  Why us?  But now the search for why has an urgency I never though about before, now I NEED to know why because I have to explain it to the person living with it on a level I will never understand.

I know everything happens for a reason.  I also know eventually that reason is revealed but believing there's a reason doesn't mean I can't pose the question...Why? And how do I explain my philosophical beliefs to a child?  I just think.....hope.....pray that along the way, as he's evaluated by all these doctors and specialist, somewhere, perhaps hanging on their walls with their degrees and accreditation's and doctor of the year awards I'll finally find out why we were chosen for this journey.

I mean really, I go to every seminar, every workshop, EVERYTHING that has ANYTHING to do with autism because something has to work....right?  Someone, somewhere has to have an answer to all....some...at least one of my questions...right?  Honestly, how long can my cries for help be ignored?  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and yet here we are having diagnostic test number, I don't even know anymore, still with more questions then answers.

I just keep hoping one day we'll walk into a doctor's office and I'll say his name and hand over all of my copies of prior test results and the doctor will say, "I've been waiting for you."  Then he'll pull out a book titled, "CJ The Owners Manual".  Filled with everything I every wanted to know.  The "how to's", the "never do's" and the all elusive, "this is why both of you were chosen".  I know, I know AHA moments are never that cut and dry.
 
My AHA moment needs to hurry because he's getting older and if neuro-typical children are being bullied on a daily basis what's going to happen when he's on the playground.  How do I get him to understand that it's great to be different and special when all he wants is to fit in and be like everyone else.

{Sigh} So how will I explain something that has no explanation?  I can't.  However I can make sure he's happy and knows how much he's loved.  I'll tell him everyone has a purpose because God doesn't make mistakes and he never gives us more than we can handle.  I'll tell him that I can't imagine him calling anyone else "Mommy" because I can't imagine anyone else loving him more than I do. 

As for my explanation of why me, to quote "The Lord of the Rings"  "This task was appointed to me; and if I can't do it no one else can."